The Omni-Joke

I’ve invented a new type of joke that I’m expecting to thrust me into the heady spotlight of fame on the comedy circuit. Before I begin I should probably explain a little about jokes in general.

Usually you get the first tier jokes which contain the customary reveal at the end where you go “oh I see he’s got the wrong shoes on” or something equally unexpected. Second tier ones are those which play on your expectation of this reveal and then go off the other way becoming even more unexpected because you’ve been brought up to expect the first tier of unexpectedness.

Now, my invention is the ‘Omni-Joke’. It’s a joke which spans both of these tiers and then becomes something more. What happens is you begin a joke but then instead of doing either the first or second tier jokes you deliver a ’sub’-first tier joke which is so unexpected because it fulfils neither the criterion of the first OR second tiers that it becomes a third but also both first and second together.

Do you see what I mean?

Here’s an example: three men go into a pub and order a drink each, the barman says to the first “piss off!” But none of them do (pause for laughter)

Joke of the Week

So, there’s these two guys, they’re dressed pretty sharp. In suits or something. Then this other guy comes up and says
“Are you drinking tha’?” He’s pointing at a drink that’s next to them whilst he says it. The two sharp guys respond in the negative. So this other guy just picks up the drink and drinks it. Right then and there. Straight down in one gulp. Glug glug gone. And then he just saunters off.

The two wise guys turn to each other, the first is already beginning to crack up a bit when he says
“Well… he really was a ‘TALL’ drink of water!”
The other guy bursts out laughing for what seems like forever and manages to struggle out some words between laughing breaths
“What does that even mean?” He says still laughing “What? I mean what is that saying all about?” Haha

Get ‘em Whilst They’re Hot!

I am full of brilliant TV game show ideas, and this one is no exception.

To re-iterate the title it will be called ‘Get ‘em Whilst They’re Hot!’ And it is brilliantly suited to the snowy environment in the UK at the moment. The idea is as follows:

Two (2) contestants have Eight (8) of their close family members kidnapped and hidden in the snow in a number of fields. The contestants are then supplied with thermal imaging goggles which they have to use to pick up their kin’s heat signature in the snow thereby finding them and winning the game, or the first round at least. “So far so easy” You say. Yeah right as if I’d leave it there. To make it more difficult there will be decoy heat signatures hidden around as well such as ‘Dogs with jackets on’ and ‘generators attached to electric blankets.’ In further addition to this contestants can also find their opponent’s family members. If they do this they are allowed to keep them to use as trump cards in the final round.

“What’s the final round?” All right I’m getting to it, keep your hat on.

In the final round the contestants have to compete with all the family members they have recovered in a series of games such as dodge ball, table tennis, and fight to the death. And this is where it gets interesting. They can use their opponents family members on their own team ORRRR sacrifice them for additional ‘Heat Points’!

At the end the person with the most will to live is declared the ‘Heat King’ and gets to go home.

Future Wheel Website

Stuart Almond and myself have set up a website dedicated to information about Future Wheel our sketch comedy group. You should visit it because it will now house all of our sketches as well as amusing asides from us and soon some comics we had made.

Some of the more pedantic might go ‘it’s another blog, I don’t know if that counts as a proper website.’ Well if you’re going to do that you might as well point point smugly at your own groin and smile. Who cares.

Grow up

Fascinating weather

Apparently it’s all snowy and stuff in England. I’m not in England at the moment and hoo wee am I pleased to not have to stomp around in that old slush, and by that I also mean metaphorical slush.

That is to say that there appear to be two standpoints on snow. Either people complain that snow makes it really difficult to do everything OR people complain that everything is now really difficult to do as a result of people who think that snow makes it really difficult to do everything.

Both of these arguments seem to ignore (brazenly) that snow is cold and wet and I don’t want to go out in it.

Thank god I’m in Japan.

Also it is now 2010 which means persons born in 1992 are allowed to go to university. Yuck!

Forever Unidentified

The Ministry of Defence recently closed its UFO Investigations unit which is sad news for everyone in the UK.

I for one am flabbergasted that this has been allowed to happen. Apparently it has “no defence value” which is utter tosh because the UFO Investigations unit ensured that all unidentified objects remained in the air where they belonged. In the air they were resigned to simply pottering around and occasionally alarming the odd person or ‘loon’ as they were known. Without the unit what’s stopping those bloody objects from coming down to the ground and unidentifying themselves all over the shop.

It’s made some people very paranoid, me in particular, so I’ve started staring into the sky constantly, out of fear. What’s most shocking is that you can see it’s had an immediate impact, I’ve spotted 20 UFOs already today and another 7 UOs!

Get it sorted G.Brown or we’ll be up to our necks in things which are quite difficult to make out clearly.

New Future Wheel Comedy Sketch

As the title of this post suggests there is a new sketch on FunnyorDie. I advise that you go and look at it because it is another one taken from our award winning sketch show Best Friends That Love Each Other.

http://tinyurl.com/y97y9u9

There’s the link hovering above. I can’t imagine why you haven’t clicked on it yet.

Unnerving Bus Ride

Is there anything more unnerving than being on a bus whilst being looked at by a couple of 16 year olds who then chortle to each other? The answer is no. There is not. Especially when they have to turn around to do it and one says a little too loud to the other “Are you looking at the same person?” Before laughing some more. I should also point out that I was the only person behind them on the bus which meant that I noticed their activities instantly.

However, the split second that it took for their actions to register with me pales in comparison to how infinitesimally quickly I began to envision their demise. In my mind occurred an emergency stop of such severity that their weak adolescent bodies were flung down the bus to crunch against the front windscreen before sliding limply and mirthlessly to the floor. Needless to say the drive back was disappointingly standard.

The whole thing is annoying mostly because up until now I had always imagined my face to be relatively normal and ‘incident’ free. I’m not arrogant enough to believe that my face is amazing enough to garner such attention for positive reasons, and even if it was the laughter involved would disprove that theory. Similarly I know that I don’t have anything different about my face and head that would usually result in a lot of staring, or I had done until now. I would have preferred it if I did because at least then I would know what they were laughing about and then I could have righteously called them up on it and been able to make everyone uncomfortable “Think this is funny do you…” and so on. I am also certain that I did not have anything stuck to my face. I checked. In the end I just had to pretend I hadn’t noticed them ridiculing me whilst simultaneously being so aware of their attention that it made all my usually comfortable sitting positions and movements feel stiff and unnatural. Humiliating.

Little bastards.

Being Sour

Some people just look constantly sour. A lot of the time I resent them for looking so sour and want to run at them and shake them and shout “Stop being such a sour puss!” But I can imagine this may make them, if anything, more sourer. It does ruin my day though when I see someone just looking sour, and by that I mean spiteful and mean looking.

I am currently spending a lot of time wondering about by myself in between bouts of working. Sometimes I begin to enjoy the world and think that people are generally nice and things are actually quite warm. This is usually the point some sour, spiteful looking crab-apple will look at me and bring me back down to Earth with a massive “Oh wait a lot of people are just pricks”

New skills

I think you should always be on the look out for new skills you can pick up and learn. Recently I developed my own new skill. It’s called ’salty eyebrow’. To boil it down to its most basic components, my right eyebrow contains high levels of salt.

Some of you are probably saying to yourselves quite wryly
“Errrm why were you tasting your own eyebrow?” Well shush to you. Is it really that much of a stretch to imagine I rubbed my eyebrow then, for unconnected reasons, put my rubbing finger in my mouth and thought ‘Why is that salty?’ Of course not, and thank god I did because that’s how I discovered my new skill ’salty eyebrow’. What is most interesting however is that when I tested my left eyebrow to see if it had a similar talent, nothing. No taste whatsoever. Bit disappointing but I’m happy with my one salty eyebrow. I’m an optimist.

In summary, we should all look for new skills. How will you ever know if you have ’salty eyebrow’ skill unless you look for it? (I hope you are all now tasting your own eyebrows)